Stop Becoming Trends: A Psychotherapist’s Perspective on Authentic Identity

How Social Media Trends Shape Modern Identity

In the age of social media, identity is increasingly shaped by trends—perhaps more rapidly and visibly than at any other time in history. Platforms built around aesthetics, algorithms, and visibility have accelerated the way identities form, evolve, and spread across culture.

Every few years, a new version of womanhood gains cultural momentum. Entire identities become packaged into aesthetics, routines, values, and lifestyle labels.

The matcha girl.
The Pilates girl.
The trad wife.
The stay-at-home girlfriend.
The boss woman.
The feminist.
The clean girl aesthetic.
The tennis girl.

Each identity offers a template for how a woman should live, behave, and present herself to the world. These templates promise clarity, belonging, and a sense of direction in an increasingly complex social landscape.

Yet beneath these shifting cultural scripts lies a deeper psychological question:

Who are you when the trends disappear—or inevitably change?

As a psychotherapist, I often observe how cultural narratives shape identity formation, particularly for women navigating expectations around success, relationships, lifestyle, and self-worth.

In many cases, identity is not consciously chosen.

It is gradually absorbed.

Through repeated exposure, social reinforcement, and digital validation, individuals begin to internalize identities that originally existed outside of them. Over time, the line between who someone truly is and who culture suggests they should be can become increasingly difficult to distinguish.

When identity is built primarily around trends, it becomes unstable. As culture shifts, the sense of self can shift with it—leaving many people feeling disconnected, uncertain, or quietly lost.

Authentic identity, however, develops differently. It emerges through reflection, self-awareness, and the courage to define oneself beyond the expectations of the moment.

The Psychology of Trend-Based Identity

Human beings are wired for belonging.

From a psychological and evolutionary perspective, belonging to a group has always been essential for survival. But modern digital culture has accelerated how identities are adopted—and how quickly they are replaced.

Social media platforms reward visibility, aesthetics, and repetition. Certain lifestyles become elevated, copied, and circulated until they appear to represent the ideal way to live.

Over time, people may begin to adopt these identities not because they genuinely resonate with them, but because they appear socially validated.

When identity becomes shaped by trends rather than self-understanding, several psychological consequences often emerge:

• Identity instability
• Increased comparison and competition
• Disconnection from authentic values
• A constant feeling of needing to reinvent oneself

Instead of developing a grounded sense of self, identity becomes something that must continually adapt to the next cultural wave.

And that process can quietly distance people from who they actually are.

A Personal Reflection on Following Trends in My 20s

In my mid twenties, I experienced the pressure to follow social trends firsthand.

At the time, I was in a relationship with someone who placed significant value on visibility, fame, and public attention. Being seen, building an audience, and cultivating a public image were strongly emphasized. Within that environment, I felt a subtle but persistent pressure to conform to what was socially and internally rewarded.

For a brief period, I became a fashion and lifestyle influencer—not as a career, but as a hobby.

Looking back now, I cringe a little when I think about that chapter of my life.

The initial motivation was genuine. I have always loved fashion, personal style, and travel. My work allowed me to travel frequently around the world, and people often complimented my outfits and asked where they were from. Encouraged by those reactions—and influenced by the dynamic within the relationship I was in at the time, where a partner’s visibility, appearance, and social validation were closely tied to his own sense of status and superiority—I eventually started an Instagram page to share those interests.

But the deeper I stepped into the world of social media and influencer culture, the more disconnected I began to feel from myself.

I realized that being an influencer often requires a level of performance and public exposure that did not align with my temperament or values.

I am naturally private.
I am introverted.
I value depth, authenticity, and meaningful connection.

My personal style and lifestyle choices are things I enjoy for myself—not things I feel compelled to perform or display for an audience of strangers to admire, copy, or critique.

This reflection is not meant to criticize those who choose that path. For many people, content creation can be a creative and legitimate career. But I eventually realized that it was not a world that was made for me.

Looking back now, I can see that external validation had temporarily pulled me away from my own center.

Recognizing that became an important turning point. It pushed me back toward a life that felt more aligned with my values, my personality, and the deeper work I wanted to pursue.

Authentic Identity vs. Performed Identity

That experience taught me something fundamental about identity: There is a profound difference between living authentically and performing an identity.

Identity is not something we wear like clothing. It is something we slowly construct through experience, reflection, and personal accountability.

When I observe today’s cultural trends—the matcha girl, the Pilates girl, the trad wife, the stay-at-home girlfriend, and the “clean girl” aesthetic now widely associated with the minimalist style of Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy—I notice how quickly many people line up to fit the profile. Social media has made it easier than ever to adopt identities that are visually recognizable, aesthetically curated, and culturally rewarded.

And I often reflect on how little my own personality fits neatly into these categories.

I am opinionated and comfortable questioning norms.
I love coffee.
I enjoy playing sports.
I feel most alive when I am running, hiking, or spending time in nature.
I enjoy passionate debates and meaningful conversations.
And despite my analytical mind, I am also a romantic at heart.

Like every human being, I am also deeply flawed.

Flaws that are mine to acknowledge, take responsibility for, and work on.

I am not better than anyone else.
And I am not worse.

I am simply a person learning, evolving, and growing.

Authentic identity does not emerge from imitation or social trends. It develops through self-awareness, reflection, and personal responsibility—the slower and often uncomfortable process of understanding who you actually are, rather than who culture suggests you should become.

Why Identity Trends Often Divide Women

When identities become cultural trends, they often create unintended competition among women.

Different identities begin to represent different value systems, lifestyles, or moral frameworks. As a result, women may feel pressure to align themselves with a particular identity in order to feel socially accepted.

Instead of fostering connection, this dynamic can quietly create comparison and division.

Women begin evaluating themselves—and each other—based on how closely they embody the current cultural ideal.

But identity should not be seasonal.

It should not need to change every time culture introduces a new script for how women should live.‍

Conscious Choice vs. Cultural Pressure

There is nothing inherently wrong with enjoying something that happens to be popular. If someone genuinely enjoys Pilates, matcha, traditional family roles, entrepreneurship, or wellness culture, that is perfectly valid.

The key question is intentionality.

Are these choices coming from genuine interest? Or are they shaped by subtle social pressure?

Psychological well-being often depends on whether our lives reflect our authentic values rather than external expectations.

When identity becomes a social performance, people begin shaping themselves around validation rather than meaning.

Authentic Identity Requires Courage

Developing a stable and authentic identity requires courage.

It requires questioning cultural expectations.

It requires tolerating moments when your life does not resemble the lives being celebrated online.

And it requires taking responsibility for your own growth, imperfections, and evolution.

Authenticity is not about perfection.

It is about honesty.

It is the quiet willingness to say:

This is who I am.

Not better than anyone else.
Not worse than anyone else.

Simply yourself.

A Message to Women and Young Girls

If there is one piece of advice I would offer to women and girls, it is this:

Stop trying to become trends.

If you genuinely enjoy something that happens to be popular, embrace it—but make sure it is a conscious choice rather than a response to social pressure. Your identity should not be determined by what is trending, viral, or culturally rewarded.

Your identity should emerge from knowing yourself.

Authenticity and the Way We See the World

The way we experience the world often reflects what exists within us.

When a person cultivates curiosity, emotional awareness, and psychological depth, they begin to see beauty not only in aesthetics; but in people, ideas, nature, and human complexity.

As I often remind my clients:

“Borrowed identities may capture attention, but authenticity is what builds self-confidence and lasting fulfillment.”
— Kamela Qirjo

Authenticity allows us to experience life more fully. And it allows us to connect with others not through comparison—but through genuine presence.

‍

Considering Therapy in Denver to Explore Your Authentic Identity?

_{If you find yourself questioning who you are beyond social expectations, cultural trends, or external validation, therapy can provide a space to explore those questions with depth and clarity. Many of the individuals I work with are thoughtful, high-functioning people who appear capable on the outside but feel internally conflicted about identity, direction, relationships, or purpose. Together, we examine the deeper psychological patterns shaping these experiences and work toward greater self-awareness, emotional grounding, and authentic decision-making.}

_{At Iliria Therapy & Consulting in Denver, I offer depth-oriented psychotherapy for individuals and couples seeking meaningful and lasting change. My work integrates psychodynamic insight, trauma-informed care, and holistic perspectives on the mind–body connection.}

_{If this article resonated with you and you are interested in exploring therapy in Denver, you are welcome to reach out.}

_{👉 ExploreTherapy Services in Denver:https://iliriatherapy.com/therapy-services}

‍